Hoary Tales of Dune: Fanfic with a Bite

McDune Parody Contest Entry: #1

DUNE: A Gap to Fill
(Prequel to House Atreides)

Chapter 1

Remember, what we do here is a secret.
—A secret memo sent to the secretive administrators of a secret no globe and no ship factory.

After reviewing the exteriors of his new no globe and no ship, the Baron Vladimir Harkonnen was satisfied with the results (though he would never let the workers know that). He wasn’t a very nice person so he showed his approval by wiping his nose on the sleeve of the factory manager.

“How do I know that what I’m looking at is what you told me it is?” This wasn’t the first time the Baron worried about this. During the first inspection of the plant the previous manager told the Baron that he was looking at an invisible no globe that couldn’t be seen by the naked eye, when the actual construction had yet to begin. When the Baron asked for proof and the manager couldn’t provide it, he was forced into the rear-end of a Salusan bull from the planet Salusa Secundus.

This time was different. Xenzia Krobulus wanted nothing but the Baron’s complete and total approval.

“How about a tour inside?” Xenzia beamed.

Chapter 2

Have it your way.
—Inscription over a Terran Food Hall

“Everything seems to be in order, Xenzia,” the Baron remarked. “Has the entire process been documented?”

“Absolutely Baron,” Xenzia Krobulus assured.

“Excellent. Kill all the workers and then turn the lasgun on yourself.” Now let’s see him squirm, the Baron thought.

Krobulus was dumbfounded. Is this how he was to be rewarded? But how could he question the Baron’s orders? He couldn’t possibly want the facilitator of one of the universe’s greatest inventions to simply kill himself. Or could he? (Gee, I don’t know K, maybe we should put some more detail here to make it a little more definite; I mean, that Baron’s an ultra-mean guy. -B) He could. And he would. And he did.

Terrified, Quick, Xenzia, say something, he thought to himself.

“At once Baron.”

Chapter 3

I think I can, I think I can.
—Old Earth saying

Xenzia called all of the workers on the project together for a final celebration in which he poisoned the refreshments. After being slave labor for so long and tortured mercilessly at the hands of the Harkonnen slave masters, the slaves knew something was up at the very offer of food or anything remotely resembling a celebration. Clearly they were all to be poisoned. Some were thankful for the release and greedily ate and drank their fill.

“I can’t believe that they’re falling for it!” Xenzia couldn’t help but say to himself now that he knew that his plan was working.

“We’re not, we just want to die!” someone shouted back. This caused quite a bit of laughter among the slaves before they suffered what appeared to be quite a painful death.

As the bodies started to drop, Xenia dropped during the commotion and sneakily crawled into the invisible no globe that could not be seen. He was worried about this and created a no closet within the no globe that was itself totally invisible to the naked eye and also to any kind of instrument used to detect things.

Chapter 4

Well, the world needs ditch diggers too.
—Judge Elihu Smails

Once the bodies were cleared from the factory floor and those workers were also killed and removed, the no globe was buried, never to be “seen” again…or was it? Also, the workers who buried it were also killed.


When Xenzia thought the coast was clear he tried to leave the no globe but could not. The exit door would not budge. They must’ve buried me, he thought. Xenzia thought of his ancestors who would have been so disappointed in him. Ancestors like the famous hero, Zix’nor Atreides. And he was right, they would have been.

About The Author

Talos Aquinas
Archivist Inquisitor General and Admin of various contests. (I will post all contest submissions.)


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