Hoary Tales of Dune: Fanfic with a Bite

McDune Parody Contest Entry: #2

Pop, why is Baron Overbite sneaking around the complex? Is he magic?
—Estes Tergiet (Atreides)

“Vermillion hells, that Norma Cenva is one hot mamma!” Vorian did not care who heard this proclamation of love as he stared at the shapely form of the grotesquely-mutated woman sleeping in the giant glass tube.

“She shall be the true mother of my seed,” said Vorian to no one in particular, although it could very well have been his rebuilt robot companion Seurat or even one of the navigation machines the delectable Norma Cenva was hooked up to. It didn’t quite matter to Vorian, really, because he was so beholden with her beauty that he pissed a brick. Granted, it was a small, teeny-tiny brick, but it was a brick none-the-less.

As the massive stone passed through his urethra, the space pirate Vorian could not help but think of that meddling kid Abulurd Harkonnen. What a pain in the ass. Then, with sudden clarity after having purged the Ultimate Kidney Stone, Vorian shouted for all to hear: “She will be mine. You cannot have her, you most traitorous and cowardly fiend! Arrr.”

Suddenly, the monstrous, supernatural beauty woke up and stared lovingly into the eyes of the space pirate she had been hungry for. “Vorian,” she said with a mousy innocence that belied the fact that she had already bore a horde of Venports, “I’m ready to make thunderous love to you. Are you ready to sex me up?”

Vorian did not need to be asked twice.

* * *

The cowardice of one man is a tragedy. The death of millions is a statistic embraced by the villainous villain Vorian Atreides. His innards best be boiled, else my plans for him be foiled. The Atreides is dead. Long live the Atreides! Ah, sweet Jessica Nerus, make sure to pick me up some of their delicious pondi rice! Man that rice is the bomb, yo.
—From the film “Corrino” (based on the novel “Butler”) by Abulurd Harkonnen

Ever since Vorian Atreides was mean to him during and after the Battle of Corrin, Abulurd Harkonnen swore to despise the Atreides name. In theory, this would be easy considering the embarrassment forced upon him by that overzealous, self-proclaimed space pirate. However, Abby Hark was in love with that fuzz-ball Atreides. No, he wasn’t gay. Sheesh, guys, get your minds out of the gutter. He just really liked staring at Vor’s chiseled chin and fantasizing about his finely-toned, well-oiled muscles and how they almost sparkle in the moonlight. No, really, Abby Hark wasn’t interested in Vor in that way. It was more of a bromance. He’s nothing at all like that robot-tranny Erasmus. Honest injun!

“I’ve got it! I must become a parody of myself. The only way to convince my heirs to actively despise my lovely, lovely Black Hawk is to become bombastic and so over the top in my speech and mannerisms. I shall become the new definition of cool and that beautiful Vor-bear will be made to look the fool!” Abby Hark smiled devilishly (or is that sexily?) at his transcriber-of-silly-notes.

“Jessica Nerus! I know just how to destroy the Vorinator. It is time to summon cognitors!”

OK, you got me. Abby Hark also liked to be called Baron Overbite, King of the Dwarves. The name made him feel special and wanted.

* * *

The means are just the beginnings to an end.
—“I Am a Space Pirate, And so Can You!” by Vorian Atreides

Estes and Kagin Tergiet hated their father Vorian Atreides. But they loved a good mystery and so they had stowed away on their father’s ship Dream Catcher II: Titan Catcher in order to discover whatever nefarious plot Vorian was hatching. At first they suspected that he was a Master P.I.M.P. but that soon proved incorrect as it seemed that Vorian was continuing his whoring ways.

He was raking in the dough, though! Every now and then he’d stop at a Space Brothel, have Space Sex with fifty fat chicks and charge them 100 Space Bucks each. However, Vorian was always too quick for them; Estes and Kagin never had enough time to snap a photograph of Vor with his women. The two boys were intent on exposing and discrediting their father in the eyes of the recently formed Landsraad.

They knew that their luck would change once they arrived at Venport Industries.

“Kagin, are you ready to solve the mystery of the Infamous Snore-Vor?” Estes voice was quite whiny. He never seemed to have finished going through puberty.

“You know it, bro! Go team Tergiet!” No one, not even the deceased Lady Tergiet enjoyed listening to Kagin’s husky voice.

And so the two Tergiet Boys snuck around Venport Industries. It did not take them long to find Vorian and his mistress Norma. However, this was one time they wished that Vorian’s sexing would be over quickly. Instead, they witnessed something truly inhuman.

Vorian was lying underneath a blue-skinned tentacle woman whose eyes flashed with a cooling wildness that gave the two boys goose bumps. Her prickly-shaped breasts heaved laboriously during his thunderous thrusts, sending electricity down her stringy salt-and-pepper hair. To the boys, this seemed to go on for hours. It wasn’t that long, but the contorting of their faces was enough to make the boys nauseated. They were paralyzed and could not help but watch the repeated thrusting. Eventually, the Tergiet Boys saw the scaly woman’s “O” face.

“Go team Atreides,” whispered Kagin softly to his brother.

Words could not properly and accurately describe her face, nor the expressions of the two boys. All that I can say is that Estes and Kagin dropped dead right then and there. Out of respect for their mother, Vorian buried them under the Atreides name, a name which they had sworn never to accept in life. See, Vorian is a villainous villain!

Epilogue

From the bliss she experienced with Vorian, Norma Cenva gave birth to twins: Kyle and Iowa. Vorian raised Kyle as his daughter and heir to the newly established House Atreides. Iowa was adopted by the Idaho clan of Giedi Prime.

Unbeknownst to Vorian, the descendants of Kyle Atreides and Iowa Idaho would produce the Kwisatz Haderach and the Ultimate Kwisatz Haderach. Normacle help us all!


About The Author

Talos Aquinas
Archivist Inquisitor General and Admin of various contests. (I will post all contest submissions.)

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