Hoary Tales of Dune: Fanfic with a Bite

McDune Parody Contest Entry: #4

DUNE: Knocking on Normacle’s Door

It is 180 B.G. Humanity has nearly been destroyed by thinking machines. Iblis Ginjo is leader of The League, a last bastion of planets hoping to defeat the machines and take back the universe for themselves.

“I pray that this will be your final assignment,” said an exhausted Iblis Ginjo to his crack team of machine-hunters. “The League is planning a full assault against the Corrin-Omnius, but I fear that our military has no chance against those machines. Gods below!”

“Don’t worry, sir. You can count on The Butlerian Squad to git er done,” said Manion the Innocent. Manion’s smile beamed brightly as he recalled his “death” at the hand of the machines. They rebuilt him. Made him faster, stronger. His parents, Xavier Harkonnen and Serena Butler, beamed with joy at the youngest member of their team; they could not help but feel proud of their 11,700,000 Solari Man (a $1.95 exchange rate, of course).

All eyes turned toward Vorian Atreides and his lover Norma Cenva. Although Xavier was the tactician, only Vorian and Norma understood the workings of the cymeks The Butlerian Squad had defeated and reprogrammed for use against the thinking machines. Norma whispered delicately and thunderously to Vorian. His face beamed.

“I think I know what we need to do, Master Ginjo.” Vorian’s plans never failed.


Under the guise of meteors falling toward the planet, the five members of The Butlerian Sqaud sped through space toward Corrin in their cymek ships. The Corrin-Omnius was waiting for them, however, and sprung into action as soon as they landed.

Lasbeams and blunt machine limbs attacked Vorian, but thanks to his father’s injections, his wounds healed instantly. Despite the wear on his body, Vor never liked resorting to using his cymek until it was absolutely necessary. The other members were not so resilient and did not hesitate in calling upon their cymeks.

To summon their robotic armor, the four spoke in the ancient language of the Muad’ru:

“I call upon you, Juno!” yelled Norma.

Hecate, return to me,” said Serena.

“Lend me your mind, Barbarossa,” said Xavier.

“Give me your strength, Ajax!” yelled Manion the Innocent.

At the command of these four machine-hunters, their cymek ships transformed and became 10-foot tall robotic knights. The four quickly got into their knights and started bashing the incoming machine horde into little bits.

It seemed as though nothing could stop the Butlerian Knights from destroying the abominable machines created by Omnius, the Machine Overlord. However, that is when a giant, floating metal ball appeared before the Butlerian Knights.

Omnius, the Machine Overlord appeared, and he appeared to be beaming.


“Omnius, you shall pay for the crimes you have committed against humanity,” intoned a battered Vorian. “Chisra sala Agamemnon no verto!” Mechanical flesh entwined Vorian as he became a Butlerian Knight.

“You think you humans could defeat me! You cannot harm me, for I changed those cymeks you now wear as armor. Their programming prevents them from harming me!”

“Vorian and Norma found that programming and terminated it,” replied Manion the Innocent. “Besides, we know that we cannot defeat you individually.”

“That’s right,” said Serena. “Only by joining our Wills together can we stop a monster like you.”

“It is time. Activate it now!” yelled Xavier.

If Omnius had eyes they would have reeled back as the five knights interlocked and combined with each other to become a giant mecha the likes of which not even Dur has seen.

Serena and Norma became the legs whilst Xavier and Manion formed the arms around Vorian’s head and body. “We are the Kwisatz Haderach! Nothing will stand in our way!” Rain began to pour down on this machine world.

With no effort, they beat Omnius into an oily pulp. Punch! Pow! Gadzooks! Just as they were about kick Omnius in the groin, Erasmus the Black Knight appeared. From within the armor of Erasmus came a human voice-the voice of Gilbertus Albans! “I cannot let you destroy my master!”

Lasers pew pewed from the eyes of the Erasmus Knight. In an instant the lasers hit the Norma-Juno-leg. The Kwisatz Haderach fell apart as Norma lost control of her cymek. Her body caught on fire.

“Nooooooooooooo!” yelled Vorian, clearly distraught.

Manion, now free from the confines of the Kwisatz Haderach, charged at Erasmus, the machine that had killed him as a child. As these two robotic knights clashed, Serena could not help but think of him as being just like his father Xavier, except with a little Mengele thrown in.

Eyes were poked. Groins were punched.

Omnius called out, “I think I’ll take that body as my own,” just as Manion was about to pulverize Gilbertus. Omnius’s flowmetal flowed over the metal of the Erasmus Knight. “Excellent! Such power! Just as I said before, humans, you cannot stop me. Before I kill you all, bow down to me and call me master. Master Omnius Prime.”

Before Xavier had the chance to say “never,” the cymek Juno began to glow. The light grew brighter and brighter until it threatened to envelop them all.

“You nearly had me, Omnius. I died, but now I live. My body, and that of Juno, has been reconstituted. I suppose I should thank my mother, Zufa Cenva, for that.” For just a moment, Vorian thought he saw a sexy, naked blue woman floating in front of Juno.

Norma and Juno arose like the phoenix out of its own ashes. “We are mighty. Humans shall never submit to you ever again!” At that moment the five Butlerian Knights rejoined each other, fully powered and transformed into something great and powerful.

And thus was the Ultra Kwisatz Haderach born into this world.

About The Author

Talos Aquinas
Archivist Inquisitor General and Admin of various contests. (I will post all contest submissions.)


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