Hoary Tales of Dune: Fanfic with a Bite

McDune Parody Contest Entry: #10

“There is nothing more dangerous than when your two ultimate enemies make common cause.”
—Jahbah The’thutt, Spice Privateer.

Reverend Mother (Ret.) Solaraseraph looked across the fine synthetic Elacca wood table at her diminutive opponent.  He’s taken this appearance to fool me, but he is the fool!  I can see right through him!  She used her trained Bene Gesseritt powers of observation to peer into the little man and through him.  Scanning the doors behind him she detected traces of the two Face Dancer Jongleur Assault Guards which stood just outside the door way.  The Deadliest in the Universe!  Completely undetectable to my skills!  Even this one will be carrying hidden weapons…There! Flick darts in his sleeves, very devious.  I must not Fear…  She scanned the little elf in front of her, peering through his green jerkin, noticing his heart rhythm maintain a steady pace.  He is good at controlling his fear, but I can see right through him! Literally!  I wonder how much I could barter from him for that secret!  She returned her gaze outward to his whole being.  The Tleilaxu was regarding her patiently, allowing her to process her observation.

“Your name, in Old Earth speak it means “Sun Angel”.  From your glorious blonde hair I see you choose to accentuate this fact.  Perhaps after our dealings here we should negotiate for that genetic quality.”  The Ronin Tleilaxu Master X’vxxizfg’p3po eyed the beauty.  True enough he could assume her buxom form now just through the casual yet traditional handshake they had made before he held out her chair.  It was an ancient tradition from when women were seen to be weaker than men, yet even this undoubtedly powerful Reverend Mother had betrayed a slight blush that only his metal Tleilaxu eyes could detect.  What they do with the power of the mind we do with the Language of God: Science!

“And what are we here to deal for?” Solaraseraph countered.  “What would the Tleilaxu want with a Rogue Reverend Mother?”  X’vxxizfg’p3po eyed her up and down with a look that said “You are a sex object, you have always been a sex object, you will always be a sex object”.  “Many things.  Things within Things.  Maybe even Things within Things within Things, I’m a shapeshifter afterall.   And a master of absorption due to my Face Dancer skills.”  She saw where his gaze was.

“And I was one of the sisterhood’s finest Mind-Razors, trained to subtly adjust the memories of my opponents, and a level 2 Guild Adept.”  Level 2, if she’d continued with her training even further, the mutations from the spice would have completely ruined her figure, they both thought.

“As in all things, we are here to discuss Muad’dib.  His reign cannot continue.  As long as he controls Arrakis he controls the spice, and he who controls the spice…”

“CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE!!” Solaraseraph finished for him.  “Kull Wahad!” She saw where the Tleilaxu was going.  They must interfere with Paul’s prescience first before they could wrestle control of Arrakis!

“We must find a way to disrupt his prescience, so that we may accelerate our production of Amal.  The technology was only assumed to be lost.  So far we’ve disguised its presence by mixing it with a powerful narcotic that all Tleilaxu are addicted to but naturally immune to: Kra’kk.

“I have a plan, an ancient tool the Bene Gesseritt used before we had full power over the spice.  I had a hunch that this was your angle so I took the liberty of bringing them along.  She opened her satchel, and reached for her lasgun to eradicate this foul but strangely alluring creature.  She felt him tense, readying his flick darts.  No, not the flickdarts…My Gods! Even his Flickdart launchers had hidden miniaturized flickdart launchers armed with laspulse detonators!  A new bomb design that harnessed a lasgun and a shield emitter to cause an atomic explosion!  Was this Tleilaxu abomination prepared to die just to kill her?  No!  Tleilaxu are practically immortal, if even one molecule of his genetic memory survives his ghola-clones will retain even the memory of this meeting, and my treachery!

Her hand moved away from the lasgun and instead pulled from the bag a small hexagonal box and a long rectangular box, which she set on the table between them.  She opened the long box first, revealing what appeared to be a board game with only one piece, a plazsteel arrow with a viewing eye.

“This is the Dune Ouija, a trained Bene Gesserit can use it to channel with the Oracle.  It’s accuracy is amazingly precise, yet only seems to be most effective in the presence of our youngest female adepts, late at night.  Introduce this to a wide audience and the bandwidth to the Oracle will be so packed that she will not be able to contact Muad’dib and give him the future, and even when she can his reception will be incredibly slow.”

X’vxxizfg’p3po leaned forward, steepling his fingers and with a hungry look in his eyes.  “And the other box?  I assume it works in much the same way.”

“Of course” she said taking the box into her hand and opening its smooth ultra-wood cover.  She took out a stack of hexagonal metallic cards.  “This one would better suit our purpose as it is more portable and more popular.”  She looked directly into the Tleilaxu master’s eyes as they both began to grin maniacally.

“This is the Dune Tarot.”


About The Author

Talos Aquinas
Archivist Inquisitor General and Admin of various contests. (I will post all contest submissions.)

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