Hoary Tales of Dune: Fanfic with a Bite

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As a new pall settles over the Duniverse, come here to read of Arrakeen breakfasts and the fashion depredations of Kailea, who taught Erasmus everything he needed to know about stiletto heels. And remember, nothing is sacred.

McDune Parody Contest!

Posted By Talos Aquinas on January 17, 2011

(Wow… there’s so much interest in this one we already had a submission before it got announced here on this blog!)

Another unofficial and completely unauthorized writing event, only this time for the non-fan. This contest is dedicated to lampooning and ridiculing without mercy the shiteful novels and stories by Kevin J. Anderson and Brian Herbert which continue to ass-rape Frank Herbert’s Dune books and stories. Full details here.

McDune Parody Contest Entry: #1

Posted By Talos Aquinas on January 17, 2011

DUNE: A Gap to Fill
(Prequel to House Atreides)

Chapter 1

Remember, what we do here is a secret.
—A secret memo sent to the secretive administrators of a secret no globe and no ship factory.

After reviewing the exteriors of his new no globe and no ship, the Baron Vladimir Harkonnen was satisfied with the results (though he would never let the workers know that). He wasn’t a very nice person so he showed his approval by wiping his nose on the sleeve of the factory manager.

“How do I know that what I’m looking at is what you told me it is?” This wasn’t the first time the Baron worried about this. During the first inspection of the plant the previous manager told the Baron that he was looking at an invisible no globe that couldn’t be seen by the naked eye, when the actual construction had yet to begin. When the Baron asked for proof and the manager couldn’t provide it, he was forced into the rear-end of a Salusan bull from the planet Salusa Secundus.

This time was different. Xenzia Krobulus wanted nothing but the Baron’s complete and total approval.

“How about a tour inside?” Xenzia beamed.

Contest Winners

Posted By Talos Aquinas on October 9, 2010

The seven judges have reached their decision and here are the results for the first Dune Fan Fiction Contest.

1st Place: Entry #5, by Tleszer

2nd Place: A tie between Entry #7, by Dante, and Entry #11, by Semuta

3rd Place: Entry #4, by Eyes High

The judges also wanted to give special mention to Entry #6, by Mahnmut.

Congratulations to the winners and our thanks to everyone who submitted an entry to the contest.

One judge also included this special message:

My heartfelt thanks to all these authors — especially those who delved back into Frank’s Dune to speculate on the thoughts and feelings of the lesser characters …. a “third person” take on the events and personalities must be considered ‘legitimate’ — Frank created a large universe of diverse human beings, each with their own motives and perspectives … fertile ground for ‘fan fiction’, to agree or disagree, to support or oppose …. kudos & cookies for all.

Regarding contest entries…

Posted By Talos Aquinas on September 8, 2010

Please note that we have added an additional, eleventh entry that was received late due to unavoidable problems with email.

Dune Fan Fiction Contest Entry: #11

Posted By Talos Aquinas on September 8, 2010


A bell chimes.

The room was large. High ceilings. Narrow vaulted windows. Glow-globes suspended in mid-air cast a low amber light across the stone walls.

Hooded figures in brown robes began to arrive, sitting here and there on tiered steps that emanated from a lower central platform. The figures sat patiently, waiting. They began to whisper in soft tones to one-another.

Around the dimly lit amphitheatre stood various displays… human skeletons, fetuses submerged in tall slender tubes, unfurled papyrus diagrams of the human anatomy. As more robed figures continued to arrive, the whispering din increased. Some pulled back their hoods, revealing smooth, shorn scalps.

None had hair. None had eyebrows.

All were women.

Dune Fan Fiction Contest Entry: #10

Posted By Talos Aquinas on September 1, 2010

William, Vladimir needs to free up some assets. I’ve said I will support him but also mentioned that you might be able to assist. As far as we can tell it represents an excellent investment. I passed the details to EB.
—Note found in the Stilfleet Citadel

“He’s not the first man to predict the future you know,” The aging Duke said as he reclined in a heavy and darkly stained leather chair.
The younger, though somewhat larger, CHOAM agent sitting near him looked up. “I’m sorry, my Lord?” he had not been paying attention.
“Did Earl Remsen ever tell you about the Prophet Ho — The Man of the Mountain?” The Duke smiled, but news his friend’s death on Kaitain had saddened him.
“No, my Lord,” the CHOAM agent replied, “I don’t recall it.”
The Duke settled back and picked up his glass, “Ho predicted the coming of a great and noble struggle; and in the process managed to acquire hundreds, if not thousands, of devoted, loyal, and ferocious followers. He kept them going with tales and stories of seven dark ships, hell on Naraj, the end of the stars — you can imagine the sort of thing no doubt.”
“What happened?” The CHOAM agent asked, leaning towards the Duke, elbows on his knees.
The Duke paused for a moment, lost in some distant thought. “They killed him,” he said eventually, with a certain sense of finality.

Dune Fan Fiction Contest Entry: #9

Posted By Talos Aquinas on September 1, 2010

The giant worm slithered its way through the sand, loving the feel of the rough granules against its skin.

“Mmm, this feels nice,” it thought to itself in its strange worm language, which may have had something to do with the pearl of wisdom of Leto contained within its consciousness.

Suddenly, the leviathan of the sands felt a dim, regular thumping sensation through the sand. Its animal instincts drove it forward towards the annoying sensation. Something had invaded its territory and it was time to deal with it in the only way the worm knew how. Kill. Especially if it could scare the crap out of casual bystanders at the same time. Yes, there’s nothing like putting on a bit of a show, as Leto had always known.

The worm followed the thumping, driven half insane by the constant drumming through the sands. It came upon the disturbance, a delegation of Priests of the Church of the Divided God, disturbing the worm’s slumber with the incessant drumming of a thumper.

The worm raised its front segments and gave a huge roar. The priests below looked up into the maws of red-hot death staring down at them.

Dune Fan Fiction Contest Entry: #8

Posted By Talos Aquinas on August 31, 2010

First Impressions

An antechamber, decorated in bright stone colours and open to the outside on two walls. A man stood alone, watching a pair of birds fly circles around each other. A cool breeze ruffled black hair.

Double doors slammed back, scattering the birds and disrupting the stillness of the moment. A younger man stormed into the room, squinting at bright sunlight.

“It’s all a lie!” He shouted, kicking one door shut behind him. “He isn’t prescient, he just brings what he says will happen to pass!”

“Ah, if only you knew what you said.” The dark-haired man smiled. “I take it the meeting went well?”

“He didn’t murder me, at least.” Moneo snapped, turning to glare out at the verdant landscape. “Everything I see is his doing.”

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Idaho joined him at the balcony. Moneo failed to appreciate the hint of irony.

Dune Fan Fiction Contest Entry: #7

Posted By Talos Aquinas on August 31, 2010


This building was all function. Not to say that it wasn’t aesthetically pleasing, for that was a function as well, but there were no extraneous stylings or fripperies. Clear walls in this section of the Academe allowed those passing through the corridor to take notice of the gardens beyond. A gentle artificial breeze carried the scent of flowers inside, suffusing the air with invigorating aromas. Careful thought had been put into which plants should be grown to best boost the reserves of impending mothers on their way to and from the wards. The woman who stood in the corridor had identified them all, now simply enjoyed their fragrance as she waited for her teacher. It was a rare moment of tranquillity, naturally fleeting.

An Archivist tramped past, disturbing the air, leaving scents of stale breath and humming machines in her wake. Gwyllen watched her go, wondered at the self-importance.

“That one needs her nose adjusted. It’s out of joint.” Proctor Malabha announced, just loud enough for the Archivist to hear as she exited at the other end of the corridor. A touch cruel, Gwyllen thought, and said so as the Proctor approached.

“Bah, if she’s still got a brain she’ll stop to smell the roses next time.” Malabha paused, sniffed. “No roses. There are never any roses anymore.”

Dune Fan Fiction Contest Entry: #6

Posted By Talos Aquinas on August 24, 2010

“It is a time of waiting. The boy who would be the Lisan-al-Gaib lies between worlds.
He took command of Shai-Hulud, and the Desert War against all Fremen enemies.
And now, in the third year of that war, he has taken the Water of Life.
Because he did not die outright, hope has been given to the Ichwan Bedwine.
There still remains a few who would question the prophecy. Nonetheless,
their unquenchable patience for the one who will lead them to paradise,
is about to be assuaged. The sight is almost within the grasp of the Atreides boy.”
—Sayyadina Nahlah……. of the Taymur sietch

Naib Kedar…………..

Kedar took his repose in what may be called the living area of his yali. Although his body was comfortable his mind was far from the freedom of anxiety. His wife Suha was preparing the mid-morning meal, while his thoughts reflected on the previous evening. It had been a long night dealing with the smugglers; a necessary evil, he knew, but he had long since grown weary of the obligatory act. As Naib of sietch Taymur, responsibility for the safety of his tribe was his. Tau was strong among his people, and he would keep it that way.

The ride across the bled to meet the free traders had been long, but Jari, his first born, had called a worm worthy of making the trip. Kedar knew the further away from the sietch, the better. Smugglers, no matter how noble in appearance or behavior, were not to be trusted. Spice was traded for the two things of most value to the Fremen, water, and silence. It would not do to have the ‘MU ZEIN WALLAH!’ Harkonnen, to know of our dealings with the smugglers. The price of their silence was high, but Shai-Hulud always provided.

The curtain between rooms opened and Suha beckoned him to the mid-morning meal. “Kedar my husband, come eat and replenish the body.”

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